a novel

my fall was more than a dorm room. my fall was amazing people, a relationship to food, a chance to embrace irrational faith, and an opportunity to fall in love with my girl friends. God gave me so much this fall. I am so thankful. I'm also ready to move on. I love all my EMU peeps (as Carolyn would say) so much. and you matter a lot to me. but i'm also ready to jump with both feet into the shara and boiling sun in post-colonial chad. i want to be challenged. i want to grow. i want to break my heart. and i want to fall in love with God's people everywhere. i'm trying not to worry about some of the things i've left behind and some of the things yet to come. teaching will be a challenge. living with my parents again will be one too. and patriarchy might cause me to scream a lot more than is good for my lungs. but life is good and God is love and so I will go forward. in less than 24 hours i will get off the plane in the desert. my life will change yet again! and you kn...

i left an empty door open to a standard order dorm room early this afternoon. a week ago it was a very different place. filled with life and character, typically a mess, and my temporary home. 8 months ago i was introduced to maplewood 116 in its current state. it housed my worldy possessions while i went and challenged my world. and then again, 4 months ago, i greeted this room, this time with megleg by my side. we challenged the standard order dorm room to become so much more than it had ever been before. we hung peppers in the window sill, stuck random quotes and inspiring photos to the door, and stuffed in three godfearing and life changing woman who can't be contained. it was an adventure. we hosted people. we cuddled. we dropped way too many wheat shucks on the floor. we watched chick flicks. we cried. we laughed. we threw pillows. but most importantly we loved. and it was an epic adventure.

i start my malaria meds today. at noon. i hope i don't forget. this whole getting ready for africa thing is so out of this world at times. i'm not quite sure where my feet are grounded. in liminal space - when worlds collide - life gets interesting. i'm definitely there right now. exams combined with malaria meds and last minute christmas shopping and seeing friends who used to matter a lot more to me but with whom i think i grew apart. and spending time crocheting and braiding hair and drinking cider and tea and sitting on couches and laughing with people i am closest to at the moment. too many worlds colliding. too much liminal space. some times i feel like we're supposed to be grounded on something solid. but i think of god being love, and that while love is solid, i wouldn't call it grounded. at noon today. i take my first malaria pill. i hope i don't get side effects.

endorphins rush through my brain and body at super speed today. the joy of menial tasks such as highlighting study notes, the excitement as i sit down to talk about teaching in africa with another student with similar experiences, the relaxing task of making tomato chicken soup, the fear and stress when packages are lost on the way to my suitcase, the dread of writing papers that don't inspire the passions of my heart, the euphoria when i finish the last sentence, and the anticipation of a night with friends and other honors students. those are some of the emotions i have been feeling today. and i have no doubt this is just the tip of the iceberg for what i will be feeling in the next few weeks. my payer is that the lesson of joy this 3rd week of advent will penetrate to my soul so that the plethora of emotions i feel will not crush my underlying joy in Christ my King.

Deck the halls with books of boredom falalalala lala la la Tis the season for study quorums falalala lala la la la Don we now our study habits falalalala lala la la Troll the hurried paper edits falalala lala la la la See the empty screen before us, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Strike the keys and fill the porous. Fa la la la la, la la la la. Fast away the school year passes, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Fail it all, or study your classes, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Sing as everything's finally finished, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Heedless of the sleep diminished, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

I have been in a haze the past few days as I strive to finish off live here in VA and prepare for my adventure in Africa. It's been difficult to juggle the different geographic locations my brain wants to occupy. And also to not become overwhelmed and apathetic towards the school work that still has to be done. In general, it hasn't been the best couple of days. That is until yesterday afternoon. Instead of grumbling about all the work I have yet to do and all the packing and all the endings, I went to visit a friend i haven't had spent too much time with this fall. And then I got to enjoy Thai food for a Weather Vane party. And then joined my roommate at a wonderful a capella Christmas concert. And finally, the best thing I did last night was plan community. My roommates for next year and I sat around, did some knitting, and talked about how we want to format our community living next year. We got carried away when talking about music and the two of us whose music tastes a...

my room was a mess today of boxes and bags and clothes. i went to walmart. i'm on perpetual count-down mode. my head hurts. i can't wait to be in africa. i don't want to leave virginia. there are too many things to think about. god is love.

i am single. that's where i am in life right now. it's a state of being. and it's a good place to be. i've been single most of my life, so why does singleness seem like such a challenge? however, when those who are close to me pair off and chose other people to be there "one", at least for the moment, i am confronted by my facebook relationship status. at times like these i think dreamily of that someone for me. and there happens to be slight ache in the belly (and not from my cooking skills!). currently there are many someones, but no special one. and don't get me wrong, i love those many "someones" with all my heart. but it would be nice to be some"one"'s special focus, at least a moment in time. and then i am hit really hard, right in the heart, by the realization that i will always be God's someone special. and there is no "one" who could ever value me more. and so i'm okay with being single now. because, as cl...