a novel

We moved to Ontario three years ago - and after crossing the border and taking some deep breaths, we began to settle into our new home at The Fireside. The Fireside began as a community home in the Fall of 2013 - and since then has had a variety of iterations and transformations, but has continued to serve as a collective, collaborative, hospitable, community home for a group of 5-7 young adults, often University of Waterloo students, and almost always an Enns family child. When we joined in 2016, Matt and I took over as house managers, and in there 3 years we lived there we have shared the space with 6 other roommates. Matt and I have enjoyed the energy of our community home, the convenience of insta-friends at our fingertips, the opportunity to host people and events, and the wonderful yard space for Firepits, chickens, gardening, and play. We have shared many meals, made much wine, and built community around games and firepits. And now we have reached a time of ending for The Fi...

 I am enjoying a hot summer afternoon on the porch of the Brubacher House - a 1850 historic Mennonite farm house museum where my siblings are care-takers and I occasionally twiddle away a few afternoons volunteering as museum interpreter when they are traveling or otherwise engaged. It is blessedly warm out - for which I am grateful in the depths of my soul. I look out over the beautifully maintained four-square garden, Columbia Lake, and the new baseball diamond and reflect, relax, maybe even read while waiting for the occasional museum visitor. The only thing this summer afternoon is missing is an ice cold glass of some home made lemon aid (which I could maybe raid from Josh and Laura's fridge) or sweet tea. The sprinklers that start up to water the baseball diamond every 10 minutes or so are also quite tempting. I have been meaning to reflect in this space again, after my long absence and subsequent soul barring and rather dramatic post in May. The response to my previous pos...

I find myself starting to open up to life again. The joy that comes with longer days, sunlight, bare-feet (at least in the house), and growing seedlings. This pattern of seasonal depression is exhausting. I re-read my post from last spring, and I wonder - was this winter really that much worse than all the others? And maybe not, but it was harrowing. And here, on the other side of it, I am still overwhelmed, and trying not to be ashamed, of where my depression took me these past 7 months. After finishing my master's degree in sociology and my thesis on finding meaning in restorative justice work, I found myself inexplicably lost. I knew that it was not time to pursue a PhD (if there will be a time), but I did not know who or how to be in this post grad school space. My life lost meaning, lost vision, lost hope. I found anxiety - debilitating panic attacks. Feelings of worthlessness, of being a fraud, of failing to live into who I wanted to be in the world. My inner critic beat...

So I'm trying a thing. As I explore what it means to be a settler ally on Turtle Island (the indigenous name for North America - for Lanape, Iroquois, Anishinaabe and others) I want to practice learning more about the first peoples who have lived, and continue to live, on this land. And so as I explore the majesty and beauty of this continent in my regular travels and journeys, I want to commit to learning whose land I am visiting, the the Indigenous names for places I only know the English name for, and hopefully some of their stories and history. I'm inspired in this by the recent travels of a friend of mine and a comment he made on Facebook about using and learning Indigenous names of places you visit. You can find more of his story here:  https://www.nationsandvoices.com/. (He has some amazing pictures you should check out!) I've made a facebook album to post pictures, names and peoples - but I thought I might also blog here, among my many thoughts and rambles about...

Spring arrived this week in Southern Ontario. The leaves might not be on the trees yet, but the bulbs are up, the crocuses are blooming, and the 10 day forecast doesn't fill me with one ounce of dread. I am amazed every year by how this change shifts my self image and mental health.  Last week, when we had the (hopefully last) snow storm of the winter, I responded by hibernating on the couch with Netfilx. I continually scanned the 10 day forecast, searching for hope that warmth and joy would in fact come, and was continually disappointed as the promised warm temperatures moved further and further into the future. All motivation to be productive on my writing and life tasks dissipated once I couldn't confirm that the warm weather and snow melting would in fact come.  And then this past Saturday the weather warmed. While it is logical that spring would eventually bring warmth, my heart couldn't maintain that hope without obvious proof. So when the sun came out on Satur...

I have a few goals for 2018. Simple ones, like continuing to care for my body with exercise and to care for my soul with cake baking. To finish my thesis. To do more camping. To survive the winter.  And then more complex ones, ones that I struggle to put into words. And so my goal is to use this blog to start writing about them.  I want to start to create space, even if it's just a little bit, in this corner of the web, in which to reflect on what it might mean to believe in nonviolence, restorative practices, civil dialogue, and compassion. To learn, or relearn, how to live out of that alternative, still so very counter cultural, Anabaptist value system in a world that feels so antagonistic. In a place where judgement and assumptions come first, where hatred is acceptable on both sides of the aisle, I want to explore grace. Where we are defined by single actions, where impact trumps intention, where call out culture reigns supreme, I want to explore how to create pathway...

This year has been another big one for the Smootenns clan. We didn’t travel as much as last year, we didn’t have to move at all this year, and we are feeling more at home in Kitchener. We lived through our first Ontario winter (though Bekah remembers some close calls when it snowed, yet again, after having melted and warmed up).  pretending it's spring Bekah became a cake baker to help us keep warm and much deliciousness was enjoyed by all. In February we got to welcome Josh and Laura (Bekah’s brother and sister-in-law) as they moved back to the area after a few years of living abroad. In March, Bekah got garden fever and started seedlings while there was still snow on the ground. House highlights were hosting a cocktail party for Valentines Day and a salad feast for Easter. Bekah's baby seedlings in the window sill.  In the Spring we took two weeks in Virginia where we attended a wedding of a good friend and spent a rainy weekend at a cabin with ...