change, again.

change is coming. i feel it in the wind. in the nights of confusing and jumbled dreams. in the last minute errands. in all the sad, heartfelt, and awkward good byes. in the laundry basket that needs to be empty and the suitcase that needs to be full. i'm at peace. i'm nostalgic. i'm nervous. and of course i'm terrified.
terrified of the courses that will challenge me, the responsibilities that will demand so much from me, and the relationships that will have changed. i'm scared that the community i have been planning for, dreaming of, and imagining in my head for almost 12 months will fall short. that others will have different expectations. i am terrified that i will not be content with what comes.
i'm saddened that i must leave this place where i have been at home for the past 4 months. the relationships i am building here. the church community that is much bigger and stabler than the one i hope to be apart of at school. the garden produce i helped to plant and water, but will never see or taste. the conversations i have started, but not finished. i am sad that life must continue here while i am away. and that i may never come home here again.
but most of all, i'm just really excited about what is in store. about all the lessons i will learn from the things that terrify me. for the prayers i will learn to pray. and for the people who will touch my life again. for the mistakes that will be made and the roses that will grow from their ashes. for lots of hugs and long walks with good friends. for meals cooked with love and eaten on the floor (or maybe at a table). for homemade bread. for intellectual stimulation and long nights of synthesizing my thoughts.
change is coming. and maybe i'm ready.

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