a novel

I have had a lot of emotional energy this weekend. I have had a few dance parties, random giggleness, a pillow fight, a door slamming party, an attempt to do homework that end up with a page full of frustrated notes and a random collage, a movie on the porch, a lot of random noise making, a lot of tea, a game of settles, and an hour this afternoon where i sat down and simply wrote out my questions. Here are some of them: What am I here for? What am I doing? Am I being called to more than I am living? Can I do more than ask questions? Do I need to do more? Will God use the questions? Why do all the questions add together? Am I really living or am i just pretending? Why do I feel the need to be validated? Why can't i sing alone? why can't i make the story be about others? why do i always try to steal the spotlight? Where is God working? Have I also been working on my life? Why are there so many questions? Where is God in all of this? If I were to believe what I want to believe, w...

it's honesty time. i'm scared of my blog. i feel pressured to write meaningful things for my readers. i've forgotten that it's my blog, and though i dearly love having people read it, that is not its purpose. its purpose is to document my life. and to give me a place for self expression. i wanted someplace that would help me find and express meaning for myself. and perhaps translate that meaning to other people. but i never wanted to feel pressured to be profound. that's what my editorial is for. and so i'm going to try to start being honest. blogging for me as opposed to for others. and it feels really selfish (i guess i have to thank my strong 2 wing for that one). and so, life is good. i can see it all around me. the beauty of the rain and the sun,the honors kids who played the screaming ninja game on the hill just because, a cup of warm tea in my lap last night as i read about human rights, a cuddle puddle on the floor of our apartment, falling asleep doing ...

god has given me community. i am going to love in that. i have wise people in my life. for that i am immensely thankful. one of those wise people sleeps in my room. and yesterday afternoon she reminded me that i don't have to get everything done at once. she was able to look at me, and to see through the stress i was constructing for my life, and tell me that i needn't be so stressed. it is nice to be around someone who knows me and can tell me when i am being ridiculous. especially when that person has the wisdom to sit me down and make me realize it. i have solid people in my life. a friend who sat with me and simply listened as i poured out my fears, my anxieties, and my confusion. a wonderful man who sat with me in companionable silence as i cried. others, girls,who surrounded me with prayers and arms of love as i continued my processing and confusion this morning. i have wondering people in my life. an amazing woman who spent a few hours processing all the cares of ou...