if i say that life is good, i don't feel very profound.

it's honesty time. i'm scared of my blog. i feel pressured to write meaningful things for my readers. i've forgotten that it's my blog, and though i dearly love having people read it, that is not its purpose. its purpose is to document my life. and to give me a place for self expression.
i wanted someplace that would help me find and express meaning for myself. and perhaps translate that meaning to other people. but i never wanted to feel pressured to be profound. that's what my editorial is for.
and so i'm going to try to start being honest. blogging for me as opposed to for others. and it feels really selfish (i guess i have to thank my strong 2 wing for that one).
and so, life is good. i can see it all around me. the beauty of the rain and the sun,the honors kids who played the screaming ninja game on the hill just because, a cup of warm tea in my lap last night as i read about human rights, a cuddle puddle on the floor of our apartment, falling asleep doing homework as my roommmates watched and DID NOTHING, doing dishes to stay awake, hearing singing from somebody's porch, listening to the backstreet boys in a moment of exhaustion, chatting with my sister on facebook, looking forward to church and bible study on sunday, knowing that it is the weekend and i have 4 days in which to read for tuesday. God has given me so much.
but life is also very scary, especially in the middle of the night. and that has to do with the pressure i put on myself as a 1, as a reformer. I'm terrified of the weather vane, of making a stupid spelling mistake, of publishing pointless and crappy stories, and of writing a sloppy editorial and opinion article (I'm a news writer! why am i writing an opinion?). I'm scared of not getting everything done, the homework, the friendships, the stupid quest for a future life long partner that frustrates me but, much to my chagrin, can still sometimes consume me. the anxious dreams are driving me crazy and the lack of good, solid sleep is making it harder to focus on the good things of life.
and i refuse to give in to the pressure to end this blog entry with something profound. i don't need to hold my thoughts to a ridiculous standard.

Comments

  1. MegSeptember 9, 2011 at 2:11 PM

    i remind myself of this a lot. thanks for the honesty. :)

    ReplyDelete

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