seeking my true self.

having graduated from college is really confusing for me. up until now i have had a purpose, clearly defined, achievable, and sometimes all consuming. I was a student, and i was more than fairly good at it. but that identity has changed. i am now a graduate. and i am searching for a purpose

the whole world is open to me now. it should be exciting, but somedays, especially today, it's terrifying. i could do anything, be any body, and chose any destiny. and i could lose myself completely in the attempt to find my true self. 

the day after graduation i gathered for brunch with some friends. we chose to honor the four years spent together and recognize the gifts, accomplishments and talents in each other than might have gone unrecognized at the official ceremonies over the weekend. we called the recognitions "awards that matter."

at the event I received a certificate of excellence in 'persistently seeking her true self' - a testament to my attempts to live intentionally, to delve deeper, and to refuse to settle for a facade. 

i was honored by my 'award.' as i left harrisonburg a month and a half ago, i thought i had discovered some of who i was, that i had a direction, a purpose, and an identity. that i had found some of what i had spent 4 years searching for.

now, a month and a half later, i am feeling much less certain. the sense of purpose has faded, the seeking of self has been replaced by 40 hours a week of manual labor, physical exhaustion, longing for loved ones far away and attempts to reconnect to love ones living in the same house. i am feeling lost. 

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