looking for meaning, searching for me
I have spent the last month in Richmond, VA learning to start over once again. This is a different move for me, mostly because it is unstructured. There is no program here for me to plug into, no course objectives, no deadlines, and no responsibilities other than those I set for myself. The lack of structure and expectations is grating on me, as is the lack of definition to my life and my goals right now. I what to see my life as meaningful, purposeful, successful, etc but it is hard to do that with no external form of identity. And I am struggling to define the internal identity I want to in-body.
Last week I re-read a paper I wrote during my junior year at EMU (almost 2 1/2 years ago if you believe that) about how I wanted to grow and develop over the next 10 years. While reading it was encouraging as I felt that I haven't steered to far from the goals and vision I had for myself, I was struck with a strong sense of nostalgia for the confidence and sense of self I found during my time at EMU. It is disconcerting for me to find that the strong sense of identity I gathered at EMU has been slipping away over the past year and half. As I start building my life here in Richmond, I am confronted by a lack of orientation and a general feeling of lost-ness and confusion.
I recognize that there are ways of addressing this sense of being lost, there are techniques of self reflection that I have learned and could work to apply to myself here. However, I also know that I have not been working to do so. I say that I am lost, but I am not actively trying to find myself, my path, or my goals. The effort involved in looking for work has not been helpful here, especially as I find myself recreating my goals, my path, my hopes for everyone job application I send out (and I send out a lot of them).
There are a few grounding points for me in all this confusion: I have chosen to cling to my Anabaptist faith identity and have felt grounded in my interactions with the Mennonite community here in Richmond. I have decided it is time to follow through on my long time ambition of volunteering at Ten Thousand Villages and had my first volunteer shift this morning. I am a part of a pioneer project training circle process facilitators in Richmond VA that will be meeting next weekend, working towards my goals of restorative justice. I have kindred spirits only 2 hours away in Harrisonburg and have worked to connect with people who know me and are willing to inspire and challenge me.
And so my hope for the next few weeks of unemployment/job search is that I will actively work to dream and reflect on my sense of self. That I will listen to who I want to see myself as. That I will spend time in prayer, in silence, in meditation. That I will find ways of making this process meaningful and will work on building my sense of self that is not defined by an external identity marker such as a job, a program, a goal, or a mission.
Last week I re-read a paper I wrote during my junior year at EMU (almost 2 1/2 years ago if you believe that) about how I wanted to grow and develop over the next 10 years. While reading it was encouraging as I felt that I haven't steered to far from the goals and vision I had for myself, I was struck with a strong sense of nostalgia for the confidence and sense of self I found during my time at EMU. It is disconcerting for me to find that the strong sense of identity I gathered at EMU has been slipping away over the past year and half. As I start building my life here in Richmond, I am confronted by a lack of orientation and a general feeling of lost-ness and confusion.
I recognize that there are ways of addressing this sense of being lost, there are techniques of self reflection that I have learned and could work to apply to myself here. However, I also know that I have not been working to do so. I say that I am lost, but I am not actively trying to find myself, my path, or my goals. The effort involved in looking for work has not been helpful here, especially as I find myself recreating my goals, my path, my hopes for everyone job application I send out (and I send out a lot of them).
There are a few grounding points for me in all this confusion: I have chosen to cling to my Anabaptist faith identity and have felt grounded in my interactions with the Mennonite community here in Richmond. I have decided it is time to follow through on my long time ambition of volunteering at Ten Thousand Villages and had my first volunteer shift this morning. I am a part of a pioneer project training circle process facilitators in Richmond VA that will be meeting next weekend, working towards my goals of restorative justice. I have kindred spirits only 2 hours away in Harrisonburg and have worked to connect with people who know me and are willing to inspire and challenge me.
And so my hope for the next few weeks of unemployment/job search is that I will actively work to dream and reflect on my sense of self. That I will listen to who I want to see myself as. That I will spend time in prayer, in silence, in meditation. That I will find ways of making this process meaningful and will work on building my sense of self that is not defined by an external identity marker such as a job, a program, a goal, or a mission.
I can relate. Even though I am not in the process of job searching (or making a home in a new place), I often think back to the goals & ideals that we held so deeply while at EMU. They are still there, but living them out is so much more complex than I imagined it would be....
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