unintentionally myself

a year and a half ago i wrote a facebook note about my outfit. "making what you see on the outside come from the inside"
today as i walked to the laundromat i was caught again reflecting on how what i wear represents who i am, what i think, who has shaped me and what i love. i almost laughed when i reflected on my note from a year and a half ago. intentional or not, i am unique. i was reminded of that when i looked down at my outfit today. let me walk you through it, from the ground up. 

chacos. they crisscross across my feet. they remind me of family. of getting ready to separate and preparing for new chapters in life. they make me think of goodbyes and of new hopes. they are an investment in a future of traveling - of walking. they remind me of all EMU's granola hippies, of the return of middle east cross culturals with their distinctive feet tans, and of long walks and hot days from my own dessert time. 
nails. they are painted a deep red this summer. very uncharacteristic of me. they are painted the color of my mother's nails when i was a young teenager. they are painted to cover the fading pink left over from Grace Engle Delp's wedding prep. of set by my worn chacos, they remind me of my sister, who painted them a shinny pink when i was in Chad last year. 
anklet. homemade. purple and blue. reflects a whole lot of commitment and hope. matches the one i tied to Joel Nofziger's ankle a few weeks ago. 
leggings. stolen from a friend by accident on the last night of my study term in Nova Scotia 4 years ago. they remind me of reeklessness, of making my own decisions, and of making mistakes. they also remind me of Meg Smeltzer who wore them often enough when we roomed together over the past two years. i am sure she will wear them again. as i patched all their well worn holes a couple of nights ago, i thought of dreams and potential. i thought of the women in N'Djamena my mother was teaching to sew for the first time. i thought of new hope. they are ragedy black leggings. one would never know they can tell so many stories. 
long plaid shirt. acquired at a random second hand store sometime in the past 3 years. it makes me smile. i think of the EMU barn dance sophmore year, of feeling beautiful while being comfortable, of Jamila Witmer who took it with her to the middle east but did not wear it often, of homie-ness. 
cross. a birthday gift from my parents. a symbol i wear. a commitment to be a disciple of nonviolence. to put love first no matter what.  a reminder of a life changing project of pluralistic thinking i did first year. a reminder of humility, of surrender, of respect. 
hair. i wear it down today. not tucked up under my typical head covering because of the cold bucket shower i dared to take this morning. a bucket shower that reminds me of lent. of Meg Smeltzer's challenging questions about personal growth. a discussion on cleanliness. the hair itself brings up a memory of Jamila Witmer cutting it on the picnic bench in Parkwoods. flashing slightly red in the light, reflecting the henna careful applied with Darian Harnish, and before that Jamila Witmer and Aly Zimmerman. 

the above are typical pieces of clothing. to the passing eye they hold no stories, even if to me they may be immensely meaningful.  what made me feel unique today, what made me proud, was the objects strung over my shoulders. each one a testament to my creativity and my decision to be myself, no matter what. 

the bag i knit from the remains of Tyler Groff's pants back in first year. in need of some repair work again. it speaks many things. 

the water bottle holder i crocheted on my bus trip across the US this past Christmas. holding a glass iced tea bottle that is serving me well. reminding me of many people i have met and places i will travel. 

and my laundry bag, tied to my back with a scarf i knit from yarn that traveled with Aly Zimmerman back from Jerusalem last spring. a testament that small things can have many uses. 

i am wearing my friends and family today. and i am filled with joy that i carry my community around in the memories of my clothing. but today that was unintentional. today i was simply, uniquely, myself. 

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