a novel

Advent is over looked too often - with the commercialism and the presents and the Christmas carols playing on the radio since the beginning of November -  but this year it is beating a refrain in my blood: Waiting. Hoping. Waiting. Hoping. Personally, I have 12 more days of count down and to do lists and dreaming and trying to be present (at work and in Richmond) before beginning my travels and adventure in the Middle East. Packing lists and Christmas lists and grad school application lists. Work events and friends to see and wedding things to plan. Books to read and making time to mentally prepare for trauma and stories and new narratives and cultures. And then the plight of the world, the hopelessness and despair, the racism and consumerism and global climate change, and the awful, awful politics and I find myself singing advent songs as prayers. Praying for emmanuel (god with us) to bring change - some how, some way - even when it is the "Christians" with "Christ...

why i proposed: i'm a strong female. i love the "define the relationship conversations". i was the one who wasn't ready until i was. i was impatient. i wanted to jump. i was tired of the ifs and maybes when we both knew, deep down, that it had probably been a yes for a while. i love him. i want to commit to keep loving and growing with him. i don't want to contemplate that there could be someone else that works better. i am happy. i am choosing to choose with him the rest of our lives. i want to learn to love better, and i think he is a good teacher. i love being loved by him. it was a beautiful day. i got excited about the idea and couldn't help myself. it was fun.  i love hearing his voice when i fall asleep - or his cuddles. he kisses me on the forehead! he gives the best hugs. he notices the world. he is deep and calm and thoughtful. he makes me silly. he rubs my feet. he learns things - on his own because he wants to. he wants to play devils advo...

It happened suddenly - but I guess that is what you get for living in Virginia. One day I was swimming in the Atlantic Ocean and sweating in my tank top and shorts as we explored Assetague Island. And next thing I knew,  I had a scarf around my neck, a wool sweater, boots and jeans on as I drove to to the Mountains for a day in Harrisonburg. The leaves are changing, I'm remembering what cold feet means (plus the benefit of extra food rubs from Matt that comes with them), and feeling like tea in the mornings. Its rather sudden - I sometimes like my seasonal changes a little more gradually. But it feels right. Summer this year has been amazing, a time of sun and water and reading silly, powerful, feminist or simply indulgent fantasy. A time for planning and evaluating, for weddings and dreams. For putting many, many miles on my two door red car. For living in the moment and indulging my free time. For lots of BEing. But fall is here now - and I am ready to buckle down to bein...

This weekend I booked my one-way flight to Beirut, Lebanon. The count down until my average adult life, with normal job, rent, groceries, responsibilities, etc transforms to 3 + months of travel, exploration, and new experiences is 108 days. (4 months didn't feel so long...it feels longer now that I know the day count). I've had the dull bug the past week, ready for that end of August change that has been around as long as I can remember (probably since I went to preschool 20 years ago). Knowing that I have to wait another 108 days for that change is not very exciting....  ....true... true... it's a bit of a wait. But what an exciting adventure it will be. Exploring places so important to the world, to your story, to the modern worlds religions and cultures and conflicts. Lebanon, Turkey (TURKEY!), Jordan, Palestine/Israel, and Ireland.... And yet, I need to live the next four months. Focused on Richmond, and my friends, and my roommates, and my job (though not ove...

Summer 2015 - a time to be young, warm, loved and tan Camping twice in May  - Western VA mountains with Aly, Sam, Melody, Matt Z, my Matt, and Crystal, a return to early spring, cooking every meal over the fire, doing ALL the dishes  - Ocean front camping with Tania and Rachel, skinny dipping in the Chesapeake Bay, board games, sandy campsites, cider Welcoming Trudeau! Bronchitis the first week of June Working the fairs and festivals - interactions with co-workers and vendors, cramming all the outreach materials into my car, loving my job, never having a weekend free without plans Learning the heat of a true Virginia summer - the heat rash on my chest that just wont go away, falling in love with the AC in my little red two door car, remembering the joy of a cold shower, prioritizing swimming (and being so thankful for friends with pools, a YMCA membership, and a river to swim in) A glorious celebration of turning 24 - taking the actual day off work for Hibach...

My reset season is always summer time. Usually I also have something new to look forward to for the end of August - a new school year, a new program, a move to a new city. In January I struggle to wrap my head around the concept of "new year," but it is summer when I actually experience new. This year August wont bring much that is new into my schedule, but I feel the reset season coming on anyway. It's the same job from the spring, the same city I moved to almost a year ago, the same communities and friendships I've been building on this year, the same beau, etc. But I am feeling myself fill with the annual sense of anticipation,  the prayerful thoughtfulness of preparing for uncertainties to come, the contentment from knowing that the path ahead is the right one for me. Perhaps it has to do with how summer makes my soul sing. The warmth, the day light, the time with people make my heart glow. And I somehow manage to reconnect with the Bekah I want to be. Perha...

I've just posted a blog I wrote back at the very beginning of February. That, in itself, says something about the state of Bekah the past few months. To think that this is the first moment I have been motivated (and free) to reflect and to write. Typing out the closing of my handwritten February blog post, the lines "stolen my free time back" sit uncomfortably with me when I reflect on what has been my February and March. Perhaps it is true, and I had less work-related stress when I was not actually at work, but I clocked a lot of overtime work hours during the past few months. That and sick time. Out-of-work-with-fever sick twice in February, plus a few snow days, helped me to revert to winter habits from last year and excess Netflix consumption. And then the start of spring and desire to be doing and planning and working and making things happen. Weekends full of work or full of scheduled exploration and play and social time. And the evenings I was home alone full o...

Originally written to be posted a month and a half ago: I guess the world keep spinning and time keeps moving, even when I'm busy. I guess that this Virginia version of Winter (30-50 degree days, with the odd 60s day or 20s day thrown in just to confuse us) might be coming to a middle. I guess its been a while since I've taken stock of the world and my place in it. I've just been living life you see. This winter has been special. I was able to quit the Melting Pot in early December and was amazed (and extremely grateful) to be offered an outreach job with Central Virginia Legal Aid Society a few weeks later. Especially grateful that the job wouldn't need to start until early January. And so when winter officially arrived on December 21st, I celebrated by throwing a Christmas/White Elephant gift exchange, buying a car, and then flying to British Columbia for a week of family fun, 8 days filled with family (sibling, parents, grandparents, sibling-in-law to be, cousi...