a novel

every few months, my 'life' goes back into boxes. i wrap my camels and picture frames in scarves and collect my artwork off the walls. i hold each object and piece of cloth lovingly before i put it away. i try to keep only things with sentimental value - pieces of matter that speak to me of people, places, or experiences that have shaped me. other things get donated or recycled. every time i wonder at all i have collected, of all this substance that speaks of who i am. this time round i have nice plastic boxes that will hold these material reflections of my life. the vibrant colors, especially the chadian fabric, are visible through the clear plastic of the closed boxes - a foggy window into the partial reflection of my passions and my life journey. possessions do not define us and i recognize that i am so much more than the sum of what i own or wear. however, what i own and how i present myself has the capability to honor my individuality, my strength of character...

This semester I am studying in Washington, DC with the Washington Community Scholars Center out of Eastern Mennonite University.    We don’t just live in DC, or just work in DC, we study being there. Part of the purpose of the WCSC program is to combine the lens of learning with that of urban living and service. We are encouraged to look around at the city and our experience with a critical, curious eye – to ask questions and to delve into the complexity of their non-answers.  For one of our classes we are encouraged to explore the dynamic of faith in an urban setting. Each of us chose a local faith community to visit with and research. The goal was to see how their world view interacts with the community in which they live.   And so a few Sundays this semester I found myself gathering in silence at a Quaker meeting across town. Always inspired by the way in which the Religious Society of Friends, also known as the Quakers, are politically and sociall...

It’s humbling to admit to reality, most certainly when that reality is winter – a spiritual and emotional winter.  I have always struggled with winter – in Winnipeg, when it got cold I would hunker down, disengage with the world, and wait for thaw. I have watched others bundled up in layers, walk out into the blistering cold and then find beauty barren landscape. But when times get tough and stepping out into the world could mean frost burn (emotional or physical), I have chosen to escape reality. A good fantasy novel was my escape throughout high school – lately I chose fantasy television. I miss the good books – it is much more wholesome to cuddle up with a friendly novel than to cuddle up in front of an emotionless computer screen. But to some extent the sentiment is the same: I want a way to disengage. And that seems to be my reality.  

head coverings. cape dress. modesty. plain.  I have been researching women's dress at EMU this fall. And in the past few days I have been spending a significant amount of time on that research. of it all, one concept has stuck out to me: NONCONFORMITY.  It has been noted that in Mennonite circles, woman's dress held the standard of nonconformity - a physical signpost of what it meant to be "in the world but not of the world."  the ideal was not to be catchy, not to be trendy  ("disassociated from the trends of the world" - Marlene Epp), but for their very dress to be a witness to the counter cultural message of God and the church. the values of pacifism, of mutual aid, of community, and of humility were enshrined in the head covering and the plain dress. when  dress changed there was fear that Mennonite values would disappear along with it. If Mennonites were no longer to be dressed differently than the community, would they continu...

"Humbling. That is the name for this season." Due to a blessed twist of fate I got to visit EMU this past weekend. I can't tell you how many people asked me for an update on my time in DC, my internship, and the Washington Community Scholars Center (my program/house/community for the semester.) And the catch phrase I repeated was that I was being humbled and stretched. Being back in DC for only a few hours after my weekend away, I have already been humbled - knocked down from my pedestal by God or others - in more than one conversation. I was repeating honesty to my inquisitive friends: this is a season of humbling. Humbling comes about when I enter a situation with certain set of assumptions, and then am paying enough attention to the dynamics to watch the assumptions fall apart under my feet. I don't have a history of taking humbling experiences well. I fight, I challenge, I hold to the assumptions with a tight fist and sometimes have a fit that ends wi...

It is loud, rambunctious and busy. my days and space are crowded out by the needs of others. alone time is hard to find and even harder to keep. There are appointments and dinners, scheduled conversations with grandparents, and long dynamic conversations. There is always some one who is having an off day.  Tears are a regular. we are all processing something - for most of us it is grief of some sort. we are burying, or trying not to bury, significant experiences, important people, and the identities we have accumulated over the past few months or years. but we are doing it together.  The "we" began anew in the crowded Frankfurt airport. After 4 hours of frantically searching (or not so frantically waiting to be found on my part) my family reunited with tears and hugs, accusations and laughter one month ago to the day. we had our whirlwind adventure in Europe. 2 1/2 weeks of to see bits of Germany, France, Switzerland, all of Lichtenstein, some of Au...

There's a crowd of people camped in the dessert. They've been wandering through the wilderness for almost two years. There's not much out there, in this dessert/wilderness space. Food is hard to come by and water even scarcer. They've been making their way through the barren land slowly. Every day led by a cloud in the distance, every night guided by a pillar of fire. God has been faithful enough to insure that they survive, feeding them with bread from heaven (otherwise known as manna) and the occasional flock of falling quail. They've learned that when you have faith, fresh water can come sprouting out of rocks. And more than anything they have been sustained these past two years by a promise. We're talking, of course, about the Hebrew people. God's chosen people, the Israelites as we find them in the book of Numbers 13. They've left Egypt and slavery behind them with a fanfare. Their freedom from oppression, from corruption, from Empire was ...

This past week there were 5 kids at APPA. I got the privilege of leading the morning devotional with the kids just after I arrived each morning. They had just rolled out of their beds and come downstairs and some of them were very sleepy, but we sat down at the table and began the bible study time. That hour of time I spent with the kids became a highlight of each day. I was surprised how much I enjoyed talking to the kids about the parables and bible stories we were reading. It was almost shocked to recognize how much information I had stored in my head about the culture and the nuance of certain stories. I really enjoyed sharing with the kids what I found meaningful and encouraging them to think critically and personally about their reflection. It was truly a blessing to study the bible with them and learn with them. This morning, the last morning with the kids, we were focusing on the topic of simplicity in Proverbs 30: 1- 9. We were talking about simplicity, what it means to as...

A lesson I  have been learning this summer, one that has been crystallizing over the past week and finally solidified yesterday is this: God works... No, God is working, in spite of us. ( WARNING: I might sound like a self-righteous prick as I explain the lesson I am learning... bear with me, I will get to that eventually. ) I have been working with an organizational in Washington DC this summer called Action for Peace through Prayer and Aid. I have helped write and edit their public statements, and I can tell you they look good on paper. But in actuality I have been less than impressed with the program, the theology, the atmosphere. Those feelings of disappointment and frustration came to a head with the youth camps that began almost 3 weeks ago. I felt frustrated by the lack of order, concerned that the kids were not getting a meaningful experience, and horrified by the indoctrination they were receiving when there was a ...

The past few weeks have been so full. It is hard to try to describe them in one short reflection and to tie all the experiences together. I have tried to reflect somewhat, but I would like to share with you an experience I had the other day that has been making me think. I was doing dishes in the sink after baking bread. No one was in the office yet, as it was only 11 o’clock. I was getting frustrated by the fruit flies (summer always brings fruit flies), and so after setting a trap (which has been very effective) I opened the back door to take out the trash. I was surprised and slightly taken aback when I noticed someone sleeping on the back porch. It was a woman from church, and so after I had gotten over my shock I said good morning to her. It had been raining during the night, and she told me that sometimes Rev. Choi lets her sleep on the porch if she has nowhere else to go. I recognized her from church and she wasn’t hurting anyone by sleeping on the porch, and so that w...

a year and a half ago i wrote a facebook note about my outfit. " making what you see on the outside come from the inside" today as i walked to the laundromat i was caught again reflecting on how what i wear represents who i am, what i think, who has shaped me and what i love. i almost laughed when i reflected on my note from a year and a half ago. intentional or not, i am unique. i was reminded of that when i looked down at my outfit today. let me walk you through it, from the ground up.  chacos . they crisscross across my feet. they remind me of family. of getting ready to separate and preparing for new chapters in life. they make me think of goodbyes and of new hopes. they are an investment in a future of traveling - of walking. they remind me of all EMU's granola hippies, of the return of middle east cross culturals with their distinctive feet tans, and of long walks and hot days from my own dessert time.  nails.  they are painted a deep red...

As a part of my internship I am supposed to read 500 pages. 500 pages is nothing for a honors, junior, history major. Have you ever taken a Mary Sprunger class? Often she will ask you to read 500 pages for one class period (or at least in one week). But I have wanted these 500 pages to be meaningful. To be challenging. And to be unusual. Books that I would not usually read for fun or class. So while I am reading Shakespear on my own time, I clock the hours I read books on ministry and discipleship that might be out of date, that I might not agree with, and that I am trying to be open to learning from. And the two I have read so far have been a smashing success.I live in a room in room with three wall length bookshelves. Scanning the room, I see titles ranging from "When God was a Woman" to "The Ends of Power" and "The Timeline History of Islam," "Tolerance, Restoration of Morality and Humanity," "Slaves, Sabbath, War & Woman," ...

A Short Thesis on God Asking “where do you see God?” is like asking if you see the wind. Everyday there is a cyclone raging around us: a winding howl, trees bending, all of life's minutiae scattered by a mighty hand. And we cannot but be moved. Everything is taken up in a divine order. To pick one single thing that had been tossed about and say, “I saw the wind do it,” is not wrong. It simply misses the storm that raged and still blows with a powerful breath. The wind has ahold of everything, we cannot see it, but the effects are clear. Our task is to recognize. Everyday a cyclone rages.  -Joel Nofziger

My summer so far has not been what i expected. learning korean, learning to live outside of an intentional community, learning to live in the moment when i anticipate a million things in the future. it has been interesting, depressing, and some days inspirational. at work i have been learning to love. and in my work, i have been learning to reflect on the role of the church. that at least is something i had hoped for in my summer. and as predicted, i am coming away with more questions than answers. what is more important: to care for the world or to provide meals to homeless at convenience? (aka styrofoam at church meals) to understand god's character or to shout about god's love? (central theme to services) to read scripture that people may not comprehend, or, for the sake of hungry bellies, read and reflect on martin luther king instead ? (rev. choi's reflection on sunday) to serve people's needs in the present or to plant your own theology to shape the future ...

The second Sunday of May. May 13, 2012. International Mothers Day. My planner tells me it is celebrated in USA, CAN, AUS, NZL. Very international. (note the sarcasm).  I have noticed mother's day come and go several times. I pride myself on never forgetting the culturally mandatory, and always rewarding, phone call to my mother, even when she is across the globe. Often I call my grandmother and single aunt as well - they too have been mothers in my life.  This year, however, I was struck by how Mother's Day, with it's focus on gift giving and flowers designed both to empower the economy and praise feminine domesticity, losses sight of the character of mothering.  I celebrated Mother's Day with "The House of Peace," a church community run through Fourth Street Community Fellowship (Virginia Mennonite Conference) for the impoverished and homeless of inner city Washington, D.C. In honor of thee occasion, Rev. Sang Jin Choi asked members to share test...

after spending a weekend celebrating the wedding of one of my closest girl friends, i have relocated to the district of columbia. as i have contemplated this move with friends and professors, they all asked the same questions: "do you like cities?" so, do i like cities? a few years ago i am sure i would have answered "nope. too busy. too crowded. give me space and green, mountains and clean, open air." however, this spring, as i contemplated city life, i thought back to my summer in Winnipeg with Aunt Chris. i thought about the freedom and joy of public transportation. i though about long walks with friends where your feet can bring you the world. I loved seeing the diversity, interacting with communities, and watching life take place. I love my space, green, mountains, and fresh air at EMU. I love the view from atop the hill, the way the sunset looks over the valley, the fact that i can go barefoot. all that is true. but honestly, i was looking forward to th...

The Reality of Love by Joshua Enns Soft, true lips. Bodies open to embrace touch.        Clothes, walls, fear – fall to the earth overwhelmed by love Rough, good-working hands. Cut and calloused fingers interlock and clutch.        Isolation, emptiness, busyness – fall to the earth overwhelmed by relationship Strong, intentioned feet. Dancing and determined to destroy the distance between us.       Disparity, apathy, normalcy – fall to the earth overwhelmed by interconnectivity Soft, true lips. Rough, good-working hands. Strong, intentioned feet. Meet here. Meet now. Inside me. Inside us. You are the midwives of life. Love. Relationship. Interconnectivity. Meet here. Meet now. Inside me. Inside us. You are the midwives of life. Incite understanding of the past, Burning passion for the present and, Holy hope for the future.

After a long school year filled with good friends, hard work, newspaper editing, and wonderful memories I finally find myself with a week to process and rest before the whirlwind begins all over again. I spent the 8 months, my junior year (3rd year), at Eastern Mennonite  University in Harrisonburg, VA. I worked hard, played some, and enjoyed myself immensely. Along with taking a full course load both semesters, I  co-edited the school newspaper with my good friend Joel Nofziger. This meant late Wednesday nights (the paper publishes on Thursdays), directing a staff of near 20 writers, editors, and photographers, and putting out an 8 page tabloid each week.  My writing improved a million fold and I won first place from the Virginia Student Press Association for my editorial writing in the fall.  You can check out the online version of the paper at  http://weathervane.emu.edu/ . After spending all that time together, Joel and I began dating in Mar...

something about order and chaos. about being busy, but feeling grounded and controlled. about sleep and deadlines. about spontaneity and productivity. something about learning how to be a collective self. about the power of the neo-cortex and that of the limbic and reptilian brains. about negotiating romance and relationship. something about faith. about viewing God through the lens of attachment theory. about trinity and orthodoxy and salvation and sin as exclusive self. about the mothering christ. something about explanations. about the words cat and beanstalk. about trying to make sense to the world. about overlapping language, contrasting experiences, and collaborative definitions. a lot about hope. about now, about yesterday. about tomorrow. about this week. about next. about the summer and then the future. about plans and dreams and life and... hope. something about me.

i went home with a friend today. his parents celebrated with injera and wat. we ate with our hands while debating faith and politics. comfortable. delicious. familial. i drooled over his bookcases and his chess-set collection. he pulled out the souvenirs he has brought home from all his travels. and i was struck by the realization that not all of us life in the temporal. I sat in the living room as he discussed his semester with people who have known him for the past 21 years and plan to know for at least that again. they were comfortable criticizing him, laughing with him, and encouraging him. he rebuffed kindly and thoughtfully listened to their advice. they speak into his life in a way i do not. here he is at peace here in a way i have not seen him at peace elsewhere. and so i went home with a friend today. we will spend less than 24 hours here. and yet i can extrapolate so clearly what i miss without this solidity in my life. a place that is there; roots in the ground. i'm jea...

God. "Theology is sitting down and sharing a laugh with God."

Monday afternoon. I sit down with my computer. I begin to wonder what might be valuable to write this week. Every week it is the same. And this week I don't want to simply delete my first attempt. Here it goes. This weekend I was invited to reflect. To think about the bigger issues of life. To simply keep my pen on the paper. To write the alphabet if I found myself without ideas. And today, today I sit in front of my key board ready to write an editorial. What do I want to write about? What is important enough to me to publish in the paper this week? Is there anything of importance? Is there anything that I think I can effectively communicated? The environment and peace. How we are trying to move local but by doing so we forget the broader community. How the science is proven but there are no steps backwards. How nothing can change because we think short term. Planning. How to plan. Do we plan.. do we need to plan? How does this relate to EMU. I'm not sure yet. I’m still thinki...

we are learning to listen to our felt sense. don't ask me what that means, i can't really explain it. all i know is that it tells me when things are weird. it tells me when things are right. sometimes it turns into a nasty black kitten that scratches at my insides and demands to be let out (or in). and today i felt a change. a change in the wind. a spinning Pocahontas arrow. and i don't know where it's pointing. i have yet to find the strange clouds. and so i ask for prayer. and guidance as i approach what ever this change might be. maybe a change on how i see life, on where i put my focus, on what matters most. maybe a change that wont happen for sometime yet, or maybe its coming tomorrow. maybe it already happened and i don't know yet. but i feel that something has shifted. and i am going to try to be excited about it. i anticipate that it will be life changing.

i head back to school today. i feel that even though the year is 7 days old already, it truly begins for me today. the human measurement of time is arbitrary anyway, so i decided to celebrate my personal new years today. a date that is more than simply arbitrary. today i return to the place where my life is routine. to the place where i am making and breaking the habits that might last me a lifetime. to the easiest place to lose myself and the best place to be affirmed. i return to a home filled with 8 lovely people (though one is leaving and one is joining) who are committed to living god out through their lives together; an apartment housing the three most wonderful, rambunctious girls who ever drove me crazy and laughed me silly and held me close and dried my tears and helped me keep home; a job that brings me energy and challenge, commitment, little sleep once a week, and lots of joys and sorrows, regrets and hopes; a staff the supports and inspires me; a larger academic community ...